Alone

He has let me go. I said the saddest and shortest goodbye of my life yesterday.

Yes it is true, after all of this time I am still in love with him while receiving no reciprocation. Although some things with him have grown better, other things have changed for the ill. My manic and I have exchanged parts of our souls, and yet, his love has only grown in magnitude. My love for this man has grown in magnitude, velocity, intensity, dimension, and sorrow. 

We are indeed the most kindred souls that best friends could ever be, and that is great (for him). I have attempted to accept this fact for three years now, and it is one that my mind and body rejects. I love him to the core of my being, and I want him to be mine. But he is not mine, nor will he ever be mine. This has created many problems for our friendship, and he does not understand why I love him this way.

He is amazing, I have fallen for him as well as the idea of him. He treats everyone that he encounters beautifully, and in my mind he is the definition of amour. I was convinced that he was my gift from God. I am not trying to convince you that I am in love with him however, my aim is to convey the sadness that I feel and the necessity at and of our parting.

The limitations of being just friends and my desire to be closer than close with this magnificent man are the reasons that drive our current and most likely permanent separation. My greatest desire is to make him happy, and he has claimed that my friendship is one of the things that does that the most. I hope it is obvious that I greatly value his friendship as well, but I do not think that this relationship is healthy for either one of us.  If you have read my blog titled Him, then you might recall that I have tried to end the friendship a little over a year ago for the same reasons listed here (except we have grown closer since then). I could not do this without his help or release if you will call it that. I do believe that I was ready to do this without his "permission" this time, but it was unnecessary. He let me go with the shortest and saddest goodbye that I have ever encountered.

I just need to know what you think. Am I being selfish? 

I find myself being torn. I love him, I know it and he knows it. But HE does not know the extent, the pain that I feel on the inside that sometimes scares me while I'm sleeping. How my heart lets out sharp pains when I think of the SHE that he will not allow me to know of. He will not let me go, and for this I am grateful, for this I am pained deeply. Last night, like many others, I fell asleep thinking about him, I dreamed of him, and I woke to find myself crying over him. You call me your number one, he calls me his number two... I would rather the situation be reversed...
Love I have tried to rid myself of him, but HE will not let me go, as I cannot let him go. HE needs me, as I need you. I love him, as you love me. I am sorry  that I cannot tell you this in person, but I do not wish to hurt you more than I need to... I must end it now, before you wind up like me.
I will forever love him, and he will forever use me. Please hate me as you will, for hate cannot hurt as much as the love that I will be denied from 74.